Wide awake and dreaming

I had your heart, I healed it, I filled it with hopes and dreams.  Then you took it back.

Because you were breaking it!

You’re breaking mine.

Do you love me Jacob?

I don’t know.

Do you love her?

A pause.  Yes.

Would you give her your heart?

Another pause.  Yes.

Then give it to me.

 

They will call on my name, and I will answer them.  I will say, “These are my people”, and they will say, “The Lord is our God.” – Zechariah 13:9

You have planted much, but harvested little.  You eat but are not satisfied.  You drink but are still thirsty.  You put on clothes but cannot keep warm.  Your wages disappear as though you were putting them in pockets filled with holes! – Haggai 1:6

That is why the Lord says, “Turn to me now, while there is still time.  Give me your hearts.  Come with fasting, weeping, and mourning.  Don’t tear your clothes in your grief, but tear your hearts instead.”  – Joel 2:12-13a

Prepare Thyself

Here’s what’s currently speaking to me:

 

Letting go gives a better grip

I’m finding everything I’ll ever need
By giving up gaining everything
Falling for You for eternity
Right here at Your feet
Where I wanna be
I am Yours

- Forever and Ever, Etc. – David Crowder Band

Such paradoxes : Letting go gives a better grip; by giving up gaining everything.  They’re so true, yet they’ve become almost cliché in today’s Christian circles.  Let go.  But how?  Give up.  But still I cling. 

 

I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I’m feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away
Then I remember the pledge you made to me

(Chorus)
I know you’re always there
To hear my every prayer inside I’m clinging to
The promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow through the change
I still remember the pledge you made to me

(Chorus)
I know you’re always there
To hear my every prayer inside I’m clinging to
The promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside
I am comforted

(Chorus)
To know you’re always there
To hear my every prayer inside I’m clinging to
The promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

- Promise of a Lifetime – Kutless

Inside I’m clinging to the promise of a lifetime.  What else have I to hold on to?  My mind is in such turmoil and confusion that it’s even difficult to cling to the promise.  I nearly cried today from it all.  But I didn’t, cause I was in Vermeer.  I ran afterward instead, and it helped a bit. 

 

Can you count all the things that I’m worried about
By the lines in my brow, I want to trust but don’t know how
To rest and be still, to abandon myself to your will
And I can’t figure out what my time in this world is about

And this time I don’t have an answer
But don’t think that I haven’t tried
I still have the heart of a seeker
But I need the faith of a child
I need the faith of a child

I know Christ waits for me on the other side
of this life, But I, I wanna know why I’m alive
Cause I wonder from the path so far
Would it be easier, easier to be where you are

And this time I don’t have an answer
But don’t think that I haven’t tried
I still have the heart of a seeker
But I need the faith of a child
I need the faith of a child

I wanna know what the truth is
and I don’t care if its costly
I know there must be a reason
even if it cannot be known by me

And this time I don’t have an answer
But don’t think that I haven’t tried
I still have the heart of a seeker
But I need the faith of a child
I need the faith of a child

- Faith of a Child – The O.C. Supertones

Could any words that I would write more appropriately state how I am feeling right now more than this song?  Seriously, every line hits home. 

 

That’s all.

Without You

No, I can’t forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there but then I let you go
And now it’s only fair that I should let you know
What you should know

I can’t live if living is without you

Harry Nilsson – Without You Lyrics

I started crying while listening to this song. Only I wasn’t getting all mushy over my boyfriend. I was mourning. My days are filled with sorrow and disappointment. I disappoint myself so much. I’m not trying over here at college. I’m losing touch with God. That’s what made me cry. I had Him there, but then I let Him go. Yet He never let go of me. And I can’t live without him. I don’t want to, and I can’t. I need to get my priorities straight. Now. Not later. Not in a few days. Now. This minute. God is too amazing to push to the side.

I’m back.

Running

Look.

Do you see her?

That girl over there, running alone.

The lone she-wolf, lithe and sleek, with no care in the world. No thought but the steady rhythm of her run. Her motion in time.

Do you know why she runs?

For the steady pulse of the ground beneath her feet.

For the adrenaline rush; the endorphin kick. “Endorphins are hormones secreted by the pituitary gland in response to physical stress. These hormones are known to block pain, decrease appetite, decrease anxiety and induce feelings of euphoria. ” She is high.

For the pain. The physical pain blocks all the emotions she has been holding inside. It reminds her she is alive, she can feel. Others cut. She runs.

Do you know why she runs alone?

She has no pack. On a campus of 1600 and in a city of 9832, she is alone.

Do you see her?

That girl in the mirror.

She looks nothing like me.

Her smile shows no pain.

Her eyes are beautiful and clear. There is no tension.

See how she walks. So confident and sure of herself.

See how she tilts her head. So inviting. Get to know her, she’s like nothing else.

So why does she walk alone in her confidence? Could it be that this is just a mask to hide herself? To blind others to her pain? Could it be that underneath she is just as insecure as you?

Hope?

Well. I haven’t posted on here in a few days. 12 to be exact. I really haven’t had anything to write about. Life is a bore and my creativity in the writing department has been at a minimum. That, and a recent comment on here has made me question whether I really have anything to say that others would like to read.

It’s interesting, in a way. Somehow a little sad.

Which made me wonder if people are really all that interested in reading a sad blog. I don’t try to be sad. I try to write happy thoughts, though I know a couple haven’t really been what I would consider happy. I guess my blog is a reflection of me. I was happy before I came to college. I had my First Boyfriend Ever, I had the World’s Greatest Job (umpiring little league baseball), and I was über pumped for my Exciting Freshman Year of College. Well, I still have FBE (who is the most wonderful guy on the face of the planet!), my job ended with the baseball season, and college is not what I thought it would be. Everybody says that they’re the “best years of your life”. HAH! By whose thinking? This year has most certainly not been the best of my brief nineteen years on this planet. I have learned things about myself that are good things to know, but are rather depressing :

#1. Music Theory is not my forte (pardon the pun). Which is sad, cause I wanted to be a band director.

#2. “When the going gets tough”…. I drop out. I quit. I throw up my hands and say “I can’t do it!”

#3. I am a loner. If no one approaches me, I will remain alone. Most of the time I’m quite content to be alone, but sometimes it gets rather depressing to think about the fact that I’ve been at college for nearly a “year”, and I’ve made no real friends. I’ve got a list of people who I’d like to be friends with. People who seem cool and nice and intelligent, but who I don’t know how to approach, how to talk to.

#4. I don’t know what I want in life, I don’t know where I’m going.

Jeremiah 29:11 is a small comfort :

“For I know the plans I have for you”, says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope”.

“…for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Those are happy, hopeful words right there. Those are words of promise, words I can cling to and know that no matter what else may occur in my life, God will come through. And I do cling to them. It’s just that sometimes my grip is a little looser, my faith a little weaker.

The Bible is filled with such verses to cling to :

We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it… but as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God.

- 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 NLT

Because I, your God, have a firm grip on you and I’m not letting go. I’m telling you, “Don’t panic. I’m right here to help you”. Do you feel like a lowly worm, Jacob? Don’t be afraid. Feel like a fragile insect, Israel? I’ll help you. I, God, want to reassure you. The God who buys you back, the Holy of Israel. I’m transforming you from worm to harrow, from insect to iron. As a sharp-toothed harrow you’ll smooth out the mountains, turn those tough old hills into loamy soil. You’ll open the rough ground to the weather, to the blasts of sun and wind and rain. But you’ll be confident and exuberant, expansive in the Holy of Israel.

- Isaiah 41:13-16 MSG

Do you feel like a lowly worm, Emily? Don’t be afraid.

Feel like a fragile insect, Emily? I’ll help you.

The God who buys you back. Those are such powerful words. For each time that I’ve sold myself as a slave to sin, God buys me back. He buys me back. ME. This lowly worm, this fragile insect. Such love. Such amazing love. Amazing grace, amazing love, amazing God, that saved a wretch. ME. Thank God, He never lets go.

It’s Friday, but Sunday’s a comin’.

Please Don’t

I wrote this poem a while ago at a much less happy time of my life, and I feel like sharing it. Let me know what you think.

Please don’t look at me like that.
It’s not so bad as you think.
I’ve grown used to this cold within
that the fire from without cannot penetrate.

Plese don’t look at me like that.
I can’t stand the pity.
It never saved me.
Show it to someone who cares that you care.

Please don’t look at me like that
with your love
Give it to someone who is alive inside
who can feel and love in return.

Please don’t look at me like that
with your sorrow
to die is to live again
without this pain.

Please don’t look at me like that.