Wide awake and dreaming

I had your heart, I healed it, I filled it with hopes and dreams.  Then you took it back.

Because you were breaking it!

You’re breaking mine.

Do you love me Jacob?

I don’t know.

Do you love her?

A pause.  Yes.

Would you give her your heart?

Another pause.  Yes.

Then give it to me.

 

They will call on my name, and I will answer them.  I will say, “These are my people”, and they will say, “The Lord is our God.” – Zechariah 13:9

You have planted much, but harvested little.  You eat but are not satisfied.  You drink but are still thirsty.  You put on clothes but cannot keep warm.  Your wages disappear as though you were putting them in pockets filled with holes! – Haggai 1:6

That is why the Lord says, “Turn to me now, while there is still time.  Give me your hearts.  Come with fasting, weeping, and mourning.  Don’t tear your clothes in your grief, but tear your hearts instead.”  – Joel 2:12-13a

Angular

 

This hat came about as a bit of an experiment.  The original concept was to make an over-sized, short-rowed sock heel.  That worked, but I decided that the second design looked cleaner.  Here’s a rough pattern:

Knitting in the round, I cast on 180 stitches and worked three knit rows. I then worked the following chart twice (once for front and once for back):

The vertical pattern repeat is in red.  As I worked, every other row I decreased one stitch at either end of the chart.  Once I had decreased to the last large cable before the center cable pattern, I then began working my decreases every row for 8 rows.  For the next two rows I decreased half of the stitches each row.  Then I turned the hat inside-out and worked a 3-needle bind-off. 

The decreases run up the side of the hat, forming ear-flaps, which is a must in this weather we are having.

Green Thing

My newest creation, to keep him warm around campus this winter.

(edit 12/8: And he likes it very much.  To see the way his face lit up was priceless.)

Approximately 5′5″ by 7″.  Made of Vanna’s Choice (Kelly Green) on size 7 needles.

Made on 36 stitches, but any odd multiple of 4 stitches will work.  (for example: 7×4=28, 9×4=36, 11×4=44, etc.)

Row 1: *purl4, knit 4*, repeat between * until last 4 stitches, purl 4

Row 2: *knit4, purl 4*, repeat between * until last 4 stitches, knit 4

Rows 3-4 :  repeat rows 1-2

Row 5: repeat row 1

Row 6-10: repeat rows 1-5

Row 11: *purl 4, knit 4*, repeat between * until last 4 stitches, purl 4

Row 12: *knit 4, purl 4*, repeat between * until last 4 stitches, knit 4

Row 13: *with yarn in front slip 2 stitches purl-wise, purl 2, purl 2 stitches previously slipped, knit 4*, repeat between * until last 4 stitches, with yarn in front slip 2 stitches purl-wise, purl 2, purl 2 stitches previously slipped

Row 14: *knit 4, purl 4*, repeat between * until last 4 stitches, knit 4

Row 15: *purl 4, knit 4*, repeat between * until last 4 stitches, purl 4

Row 16-25: repeat rows 1-10

Row 26: *purl 4, knit 4*, repeat between * until last 4 stitches, purl 4

Row 27: *knit 4, purl 4*, repeat between * until last 4 stitches, knit 4

Row 28: *purl 4, with yarn in back slip 2 stitches purl-wise, knit 2, knit 2 stitches previously slipped*, repeat between * until last 4 stitches, purl 4

Row 29: *knit 4, purl 4*, repeat between * until last 4 stitches, knit 4

Row 30: *purl 4, knit 4*, repeat between * until last 4 stitches, purl 4

repeat rows 1-30 until scarf has reached desired length, bind off.

Battling Normal (a series of thoughts)

Act normal.

Look normal.

Be normal.

What is normal?

Conforming to a set of generally accepted standards and ideals.

Am I normal?

I hope not.

What is a normal person supposed to look like, act like, talk like, be like?

Can I run away from the media?

I do not like their concept of normal.  I do not like the woman they wish me to be.

“By narrowing to the extreme at the ankle, they made curvy women look like upside down gourds. Hideous. Instead, opt for pants with a straight leg from the thighs to the feet or a slight flair at the bottom. This will actually balance your hips and make you look sexy and normal.”¹

sexy and normal != gourd?

Poor gourd.  Hurt feelings.

Sex sells, but it doesn’t have to.

Normal.  I am not normal.

Hideous.  Yes.  Hideous I am.

Unloved and unlovely.

Yes.

No.

No.

No.

No.

Look again.

Look beyond the world.

Look into the eyes of the mirror.

You do not define me.

You do not define me.

You do not define me.

You do not define me.

Beautiful.

Yes.

Beautiful.

If I told you I spent the first eighteen years of my life believing that I was unlovely and unlovable, what would you think, how would you respond?

Eighteen years is a long time.

What if it had been thirty?

Or forty?

What if I had lived my whole life believing it?

Conform to this image, to this ideal, and you will be beautiful.

No.

It is merely another mask.

There is no easy fix.  No quick solution.

How I wish there was.

Everyone deserves to know how precious and how beautiful they are.  Everyone deserves to be loved and to know that they are loved.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time.”  (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

“You make everything glorious… What does that make me?”  (Everything Glorious – David Crowder Band)

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¹Shine (emphasis mine)

Ask

Psalms 2:8  Ask of me, and I shall give thee the heathen for thine inheritance, and the uttermost parts of the earth for thy possession.

Matthew 7:7  Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

Matthew 7:11  If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

Matthew 21:22  And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.

John 11:22  But I know, that even now, whatsoever thou wilt ask of God, God will give it thee.

John 14:13-14  And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.

John 15:7  If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you.

John 15:16  Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you.

John 16:23-24  And in that day ye shall ask me nothing. Verily, verily, I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, he will give it you. Hitherto have ye asked nothing in my name: ask, and ye shall receive, that your joy may be full.

Ephesians 3:20  Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,

James 1:5  If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

James 4:2-3  Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not. Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts.

1John 3:22  And whatsoever we ask, we receive of him, because we keep his commandments, and do those things that are pleasing in his sight.

1John 5:14-15  And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us: And if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him.

 

The strongest one in Christ’s kingdom is he who is the best knocker. The secret of success in Christ’s Kingdom is the ability to pray. The one who can wield the power of prayer is the strong one, the holy one in Christ’s Kingdom. The most important lesson we can learn is how to pray. – E.M. Bounds

 

Pray alone. Let prayer be the key of the morning and the bolt at night. The best way to fight against sin is to fight it on our knees.-Phillip Henry

 

Prayer is faith passing into act. – Richard Cecil

Weird

When did my love life become so interesting?  Heck, when did I even get a love life?  I was never even asked out until I was eighteen.  That relationship lasted two years, ending just this past May (in reality, my half of it ended almost a year before that).  Now he wants me to make the promise that if he’ll do his best to change, I’ll give him a second chance come Christmas.  A compromise.  I don’t compromise issues of the heart.  I’m happier and healthier without him.  I started my job the last week of May, where I became friends with a co-worker who offered to set me up on a blind double date with one of his friends.  The friend is a wrestler and Texan, with all of the manners and charm one would expect.  To say that there is chemistry and a mutual interest would be to put it lightly.  A week and a half ago I received an e-mail from a young man with whom I have done some theatre work.  Out of the blue.  Or, as he put it, out of left field.  He wants to hang out and get to know me better.  And is rather determined.  He may well be interested in nothing more than friendship, but that’s not been the truth of my experience.

May I have my old “buddy and study help” status back please?

Bicycle

I want to ride my bicycle,

I want to ride my bike,

I want to ride my bicycle,

I want to ride it where I like…

Bicycle Race- Queen

 

There is one true love in my life, and that is cycling.  It consists of me, my bike, and the open trail.  No competitors, no limits.  I define where I go and how fast I get there.  It is an empowering experience.  While on my bike I am everything I have ever dreamed of being.  I am superhuman.  I could fly if I wanted to.  It is an adrenaline rush, an endorphin shot straight to the brain.  I am afraid of no one and no thing.  Challenge me, and I will accept.  I suppose it is like any sport.  But my competition is the earth itself.  My adversary is Nature herself.  And in her arms I am everything that I am not.  I am bold and daring, driven, passionate, confident, fearless, and beautiful.  This body is beautiful because it is strong. 

 

He has made everything beautiful in its time…  Ecclesiastes 3:11

…but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.   Isaiah 40:31